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Expert advice for uptight Burning Man virgins
by Abby Normal
With the
swollen popularity of Burning Man, it’s likely that many of this year’s
participants will be, A) first-timers, also referred to as "newbies,"
and, consequently, B) not quite mentally prepared.
More
alarmingly, it’s likely that there will be more than a few of them with
something oblong up their collective ass (and it won’t be there for pleasure
either.)But these folks have their
concerns too, and to them they’re quite legitimate. So, in the spirit of
community living, here are some of the more popular questions which I’ve seen
posed on the “I’m Scared of Burning Man” Internet discussion group, along with
some refreshingly common-sense replies.
What if the 8 gallons
of water per day I’m bringing isn’t enough?
Enough? Enough for what? Are you planning to stage your own version of The Riverdance ? Common wisdom puts an average playaite’s
water needs at a gallon a day; bring two per day just to be safe, three if
worrying makes you sweat, and four in your case. If you insist on bringing
more, you can always trade or barter it to less-anal, less-prepared types than
yourself — don’t worry, you’ll be outnumbered. Sell the leftovers only if
you’re ready to endure heaps of public scorn for competing with the local
Gerlach high school kids.
How do I know when to
dance, and if I’m cool enough?
If you have
to ask... Let me guess, you’re the type that only dances about twice a year,
and then only when the DJ plays the remix of “Bizarre Love Triangle,” aren’t
you? Trust me, once you get into the spirit, you’ll be an unstoppable sex
machine, and your little-used boogie muscles (ummm... I mean the ones for
dancing) will ache for weeks afterward. Some pointers for knowing when to move and groove at B-man:
When the
caffeine and alcohol in your body combines with sleeplessness, heat exhaustion
and the effects of that little white tab that other camper told you was
aspirin, and you realize that you won’t be able to sit still for about the next
16 hours — you might as well dance! However uncoordinated you are, dancing will
still be less goofy-looking — and less dangerous — than anything else you
might try to do at this point.
When you
first alight from your SUV, do an “I’ve arrived!” dance. As in: whirl like a dust dervish, spinning
and leaping around madly until you collapse and vomit in sheer nausea. All of
this will probably go unnoticed, but it will
give you an excellent crash-course in what to expect over the next few days.
(Tip: try to avoid tented and staked areas when doing this, as guy wires can
really interfere with clean lines of movement, and the attendant rope burns
will probably be in all the wrong places.)
When
someone mistakes you for a large piece of sheet-metal and begins pounding on
you with huge mallets, go with it! Twisting and contorting in rhythm with the
blows will lessen the impact, distributing the force over more of your body.
(Or stand still if you want some bruises to serve as a unique body decoratio
As for
being “cool” enough — just using the word “cool” has already labeled you. But —
and you may not like this if you’re a tight-assed mofo — the only way to not be “cool” about dancing at B-man is
to not dance at all. Get it? Get up
offa that thang!
What happens if I’m
seized by a bunch of feral grrrly-grrrls, held down and forced to participate
in some wild rite of clitoral liberation?
A good
question — this happens all the time. My friend Chester went straight from
B-man last year to the tattoo parlor to have the henna pussy-prints planted on
his thorax by a roving band of masked yahoo-shockers immortalized on his skin.
But
seriously now, Slick. If you’re even thinking (yeah, I know, hoping) that this
kind of thing will happen to you, it never will.You’re a lot more likely to end up with flesh burns from
wandering into the wrong pool at the hot springs than you are to realize this
twisted Vivid Video-type fantasy. Unless you want to round up a bunch of grrrls and stage your own
liberation rite involving spectator-looking types.
Speaking of, how do I
avoid flesh burns from wandering into the wrong pool at the hot springs?
Stay in
your tent and never come out the whole time — since I’m sure you’re just as
worried about gruesome sunburn, this will help you avoid that too. Sheesh. But
if you must bathe, dig a hole next to your tent, line it with trash bags and
fill it with water - you did bring 8 gallons for every day after all, didn’t
you? Let the sun do its thing for ten minutes and then immerse yourself, ignoring
the repeated inquiries of “Is it soup yet?” There - feel better now?Just
make sure that when digging your bathtub you don’t accidentally connect with
your neighbor’s puke trench.
What are the drugs
that I should avoid, and which ones will enhance my Burning Man experience?
Abby says
avoid them all. Every single last one of them. Forget the legal ones: alcohol
accelerates dehydration, and caffeine gives a false sense of strength, agility
and endurance — know your limits and stay alive! As for illegal drugs, we have
it on good authority that the county law enforcement is intending to make up
for its budget shortfall this year by handing out boo-coo citations for drug
use, so expect John Law to be over this year’s site like stink on shit.
Besides, what
kind of advice-giver would I be to encourage you to take illegal substances,
anyway? So pass up that scrumptious-looking pot brownie that would make for
mind-blowing aardvarking with your libidinous new, dazzingly-painted friend.
Just say no to the speed that you need to keep you dancing for the next six
hours while T'chkung and Beyond Race blow the PA system out. Turn your nose up
at that tab of X, knowing that you don’t really
want to help build community by lying around in a pile with a constantly-changing
group of loving, caring folks that you’d never get to feel so close to
otherwise, confessing your deepest secrets and listening to theirs. And if somebody offers you something you’ve
never heard of before — well, why’d you want to take it anyway? You think we’re
out here for new experiences, for Chrissake?
How do I know when
I’ve crossed the line from being a spectator to being a participant?
When you
wake up in a stranger’s tent with your nose and ears plugged with something and
you can’t tell if it’s mud, fresh cow flop or chocolate syrup, or a mixture of
all three. (Tip: dig it out and save it - it’s the closest thing to a medal
that Burning Man has.) When your genitalia is scraped raw from constant wild
animal sex, and you can’t remember who your partner was, or if you had one.
When every muscle in your body aches torturously, even your cheek muscles from
spitting flame. When you realize two weeks later that your cheek muscles still
hurt, no longer from the flame-spitting but because you haven’t stopped smiling
in that whole time.
What happens if
someone hands me a pill and tells me to take it and I do, and half an hour
later realize I made a mistake?
Since by
now it’s already too late and you’ve disregarded my previous advice and gone
ahead with this (ahem) foolish behavior, remember — you’re surrounded by
friends, all 10,000+ of them. There are
no mistakes here (except for discharging firearms inside the City - you locked
away the .357, right?) So relax, go
with the flow, and don’t freak out. The Black Rock Rangers have enough to worry
about without bringing your sorry newbie ass back in from a bad trip. Go
somewhere safe, like among the sculptures on the playa, and marvel at how
everything must eventually return to the earth from which it came. Walk the 15
miles back to the main road and dodge traffic - sweating profusely, whether
from exertion or fear, is a good way to rid your body of toxins. (Tip: to aid in your sweating, carry as much
water as you can on your mule-like back - remember, “a pint’s a pound the world
around!”)Dance, even (especially!) if
there’s no music. Make a new
friend. Make 10,000 of them. Do something you’d never think of in your
ordinary life, like see what the melting temperature of your new cell phone
is. (This is, of course, after you call
your ex and tell her/him how you’ve just added their favorite clothes that you
neglected to return to the kindling-pile beneath the Man.) Put on lots of makeup, or false facial hair,
or both, and admire yourself in your car’s side-view for hours, wondering if
bisexuality is all it’s cracked up to be. (It is. But you’ve gotta find
that out for yourself - why not now?) Live for a change, Mr. Mitty.
Hmm - good
advice for B-man in general, whether or not you’ve swallowed anything.
Can’t we have more
rules? Someone might get hurt.
How’s your
patience? Then forfeit your goddam
$65-or-whatever ticket fee and wait for 10 years, when you can go to
Disney-fucking-land for “Burning Man: The Ride.” Rules to cover your every possible movement will be posted there
in big block letters, for your own protection.
Jeesus
fuckin’ Christ. Whoever said “the only
stupid question is the one that doesn’t get asked” never had to do this job.
P.S. Don’t
let this last snarl fool ya. Abby wants
everybody to have a great time on the Playa this year, and to respect everybody
else - clueless as they might appear - too. Fun and freedom’s what it’s all about!
Abby Normal is looking forward to breaking in her brand-new
pair of $89 Tevas at this year’s Burning Man.
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